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SHOULD is a four letter word

 

I know. It has 6 letters, I mean a four letter word as in a swear word. However, it's more damaging than shit, fuck or bugger (another 6 letter word.) When you should yourself, you, in fact, screw yourself.

Should is what other people think you ought to do. The other people could be your best friend from when you were twelve, your horrible-ex, your mum, your next-door neighbour, your year 9 English teacher. What do all these people have in common? They are not you.

How many times have you sat innocently minding your own business- and then you hear it. It's starts quietly at first, but it gets louder and louder. 'I shouldn't be doing this, I should be doing....' cleaning the house, curing cancer, working out. The worst thing about it is that you believe it, of course that's what you should be doing- any of those things would be better then sitting on your arse picking fluff from between your toenails, right? Cue the Family Fortunes 'eh-eh' noise, because you would be wrong.

All of those things are infinitely worse ideas and I'll tell for why: because you don't want to do any of them. What do you actually want to do?

Success Isn’t What You Think It Is

We treat it like a checklist: dream career by 25, married by 30, house by 32, baby by 35. I was fully onboard with this timeline in my twenties. I got married at 25, had a baby at 26, but the career part? That was harder.

I had crafted a quirky, bohemian, manic pixie dream girl persona so well that I lost track of what I actually wanted. I needed validation. I wanted people to look at me and say, How does she do it? But the truth is, I was struggling.

I’m calling bullshit. Success isn’t a checklist. It’s about having the life you want. The problem? Most of us—especially beautiful little weirdos like us —have no idea what that even looks like.

We’ve Been Told Our Wants Are Wrong

As children, we’re told we should want what everyone else wants. I didn’t.

  • At five, I was at a wedding, avoiding the noisy reception to jump on the black-and-white tiles in the lobby. Apparently, that’s not what you do at weddings.

  • At 14, I read a 700-page fantasy novel in one day instead of socializing. Apparently, that’s not how you spend a Saturday.

  • At 16, I organized my 900 Beanie Babies by phylum and Chordata. Apparently, that’s embarrassing and childish.

But the beauty of being a growed up human? No rules. You can ignore those playground conventions and figure out what actually makes you happy.

The “Should” Trap

We say “should” a lot.

  • I should go to the party.

  • I should keep my house clean.

  • I should be thinner.

But who decided these shoulds? Flip them around and ask yourself why five times. You’ll usually end up at: because it’s always been that way. That’s not a good reason.

Instead of “should,” try “want.” I want to dress better is far kinder than I should dress better. Write down your shoulds. Flip them. Cross out the ones that don’t serve you. It’s incredibly freeing and if you can't think of anything, maybe you have some fluff between your toes which needs your attention first.


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